The crazy mixed up world known as Sarah . .

enter at own risk

Lilly: A Years Journey
South Park
I started nannying for Liliana Alys Mitchell one year ago.
Time sure fucking flies sometimes, right?

She was 2 and a half months old, and a pretty cute little tyke. Quiet, slept a lot, ate a lot, pooped a lot, and was a very easy going newborn. Now? she's an active 14 month old. Still adorable, Not quiet at all, sleeps okay (naps are a struggle most days, she has so much to see and do for naps!), still eats a lot, still poops a lot, but is still a complete joy to be around.

I was, and still am, thankful and happy to have fallen into such an awesome job.

I've been babysitting kids since i was 11, and have enjoyed babysitting since i started (plus I'm pretty awesome around kids), so when a family friend (who of course i babysit for regularly) told me she had a friend who just had a baby who was looking for a nanny for her daughter, i jumped at the chance to land a second job i knew I'd enjoy more than the theater, and have more fun doing. Who doesn't like getting paid to play with kids all day? I now nanny for two families, but i will admit, Lilly is my favorite out of all 4 girls i take care of, we have history ya know!

I've seen Lilly go from a newborn, to laughing and smiling, to rolling over, to sitting up, to picking up and playing with toys on her own, to babbling, to crawling, to standing, to interacting with people on new levels, to dancing, to talking, and now to walking, and showing how much she learns each day. I've been there for the tears, and the giggles, the first teeth, the first glimpses of a crawl, first times you fed yourself, those first wobbly steps, those first formed words, the first achievements in life and showing her how much there is to learn in the world. It is a powerful thing to be apart of in this world. I don't want to have children (and honestly nannying has made that a concrete thing for me), so being able to share these special and amazing moments with Lilly has brought so many smiles to my face.

With my current health situation I've had many meltdowns, crying sessions, and sleepless nights about what to do about my current nannying positions. I want to keep my job with the Mitchell family (quite honestly far, far more than my most recent nannying job, the Mears, who are also amazingly wonderful, but i just haven't bonded with their kids the way I have with Lilly), since they all have been amazing to me this past year, but in my heart i want to quit both jobs and take this time for me. But, I don't make a ton of money, so i also need to stay, which isn't helping with this decisions. Not only does it makes me feel I am forced to take care of Lilly, when overall I do really enjoy my job, but also because I feel I can't take the time I need to get well again. le sigh.

I want to see Lilly grow and learn even more. See her grow into a little girl, and see her amazing intelligence blossom (I swear she is a prodigy, she can say so many words and identify so many things, its crazy). We've had a hell of a year Lilly Lou, will there be another?

Photos of Lilly through the yearCollapse )Lilly 2 1/2 - 3 months old
sleeping babies are the best
Lilly and Me - 3 months
St. Patty's Day! 4 months
Lilly 4 months on her Bumbo!
Bumbo time 4 Months
Summertime fun
Summer time fun! 6-7 Months
Swimming time! My little duck - 7 Months
Swinging on her own
Swinging all on her own - 7 Months
First day of music class
First day of music class, and looking so fine! - 9 months
Standing and walking with support
Standing and walking with some help - 10 months
snack time
snack time! - 10 months
On the way to the zoo
zoo time! - 11 months
Fly hair
There are only so many people who can make this hair-do look good - 12 months
So big!
Such a big girl with her headband - 13 Months
Bring it on Minnesota!
Bring it on Minnesota! - 13 months
I'm so silly
I'm so silly! - 14 months
Not cool, sarah
Not cool, Sarah, take it off - 14 1/2 months
A sleeping baby is still a sweet baby
Still adorable when she falls asleep - 14 1/2 Months

Buddies till the end
Buddies till the end

The Mystery Ailment: Curse of the Raging Body
Piano laying
The mystery of my ailing digestive system continues. Thank you life's curve balls.

When i was put on Metronidazole in December (for what they thought could be a bacterial parasite), it made me feel like death, and I barely made it through the dosage.
Got to love when something that is suppose to make it all better, makes life seem like even more of a pissed off bitch.

The beauty of that wonderful experience was when i still had not so fun symptoms continue over a week after finishing my medication dosage, I went back into my doctor, to only find out the final pathology of my tests revealed the amoeba they found turned out to be a non-pathogen ova, meaning it most likely didn't cause any of my original symptoms, and i went through all that horribleness for nothing. No parasite, still no answers, still experiencing sickly GI symptoms, AND I'm right back to square one.

Over the past few weeks I have started to feel better, and my overall symptoms have improved (thankfully) but I'm not back to 100% par. My 'feeling of goodness' is a roller-coaster, and not the fun kind, one with a lot of loops and sharp turns that leave you feeling sick.

What is most annoying? feeling much better one day, to only feel bad the next, and having my symptoms go up and down and all around, and feeling like i can't grasp anything happening with my body. I also hate that food is no fun anymore. Food is a chore, and most of the time i am forcing myself to eat as many calories i can in a day so i don't loose any more weight (since i am still not digesting food properly). Plus, I have been only eating bland, blah, no fun, no tastey shit for the past 2 months.I miss pizza, french fries, parfaits. And of course, not knowing. The inevitably "Why?" and "What's wrong, what could be causing this?" The constant dark thoughts grasping every inch of my brain isn't fun either. If i only have one meltdown a day, i consider it a good day.

This is a point in my life i wish i had a best friend. I mean, every moment i wish i had a best friend, or hell close friends, but I am very lonely. The only people i have been able to talk to are either complete strangers off OkCupid, or acquaintances through Facebook, or my parents. I have zero desire to hangout with people, or go out, either from not feeling good, or for fear of having my symptoms flare up while I'm out. I live a sad life, lets be honest.

I also have to figure out my working situation. I've had to ask for a lot of time off either from feeling like shit from when i as on my meds, to having to run around the metro seeing doctors and having tests done. I am very thankful both families i nanny for have been so generous with me, but i can't keep it up for more weeks (which is most likely how long i still have ahead of me in figuring this whole shit out). stress is getting to me, and anxiety isn't helping any of my symptoms.

Where do i go from here? That's an excellent question. I feel like i haven't gotten any answers from both my family doctor, or the gastroenterologist I saw last week. The only thing either of them have offered in terms of helping is "more fiber." Of course taking 3 courses of fiber supplement a day, in addition to all the food I'm cramming down my throat, making me feel like my stomach is ballooning with bloatiness is oh so wonderful.

They ran a gluten sensitivity panel, which when i received a letter of "normal" from my doctor i was ecstatic to at least have something ruled out, to only come to find when i saw the specialist that one of the panels was elevated, so before we move forward with other options of treatment or more tests, he wants to perform an upper endoscopy. Originally my family doctor wanted to do a colonoscopy, but since my symptoms have improved from seeing him, my GI doc said this would be a better test to run first. Even if my biopsy comes back negative for Celiac disease (gluten sensitivity disease), i may still have a gluten intolerance if my symptoms don't seem to improve. elimination diet in addition to a colonoscopy in my future? fuck is all i have to say to that.

My upper GI endoscopy is tomorrow at 12:15. I am terrified the fasting, and yet another change to my diet, will throw my body through more loops, and I'll be left feeling worse again. I don't want to have to start back from scratch in terms of getting my body back on normal working cylinders, and start at square one with food and gaining weight back.

My sanity is riding a unicycle on a tightrope while juggling cannonballs on fire, can i make it across?

The Battle with the Unknown
No Power in the Verse
I am finally breaking my LJ absent streak (i blame Twitter and the to easy 140 character life updates) to document and tell the story of (pause for dramatic effect) THE UNKNOWN BIZZARO ILLNESS! da-da-DA!

About a month ago, which i can't believe is true, that i have been dealing with this for almost a month, i was going along my merry day as a nanny, feeling chipper about the onset of a break from work, and the happiness of Thanksgiving, when i started to get a weird feeling in my belly. I don't often get stomach aches, have GI or stomach issues, or have a 'meh' feeling in my tummy, but Tuesday the 23rd of November, 2010 my tummy started to feel off, so i decided to go to bed early, and blame a food that must not have agreed with me. Come 11-12 o'clock at night i wake from a weird dream about eating green beans i did't want to consume, to a horrible knot and blechness in the stomach. I was nauseous, anxious, and overall not feeling to hot. Myself personally, psychological thinking and anxiety affects me greatly when it comes to thinking about my health, so i thought maybe it was onset by nerves or something, but alas, no, it was not. I climb down from my loft, go to the bathroom, and things came out of every which way of me.
Hardly ever do i get sick like this, last time i was in this position was from food poisoning in Ireland, not fun. Luckily it didn't seem to last, only two rounds of this, and i started to feel more stable. I drank tons of water, took a quick swig of Pepto to help ease a bit of my distress, sent an apologetic text to my employer that coming in the next day probably wasn't the best idea, and i went to sleep.
NOW the next day, i was weak, but feeling alright. I thought "must have been something i ate? maybe a slight stomach virus bug?" but i was feeling okay, not great, but not horrible. My Thanksgiving this year was low key. Didn't get to eat to much of the yummy foods i look forward to all year, but did get to have some, and wasn't an all bad thanksgiving. NOW I thought i was on the mend, but come Friday and Sunday morning the diarrhea came back. Not bad, but enough to make me worry what it might be. Monday i went to the doctor, told "nothing to worry about, sounds like a stomach virus that is slowly working its way out of your system, if symptoms don't go away or persist, we'll do some tests, but for now go home and rest."
A week went by and my symptoms seemed to have gone away, and i was on the mend, huzzah! my body was teasing me. The following Tuesday and Friday, the diarrhea and overall tummy blechness returned, like the Blob or sticky movie theater floors. Again, i reiterate, they weren't horrible symptoms. I wasn't living in the bathroom or in the fetal position unable to move, which i took for a good sign, but at this point i knew something wasn't right. I didn't know if it was a diet issue (maybe i can't handle lactose? can't handle gluten? IBS?) or something more serious.
i had to ask for MORE days off from work, which i hate. I hate that I'm putting my employers in a position to have to find people to look after their kids when I'm suppose to be their dependable source, hate, hate, hate! I hate having to put people out, but alas, stupid health issues have to trump, so alas, a day off was needed to go back to the doctors. (my employers have actually been amazing, and nice, and sympathetic, which i am eternally grateful, but after all of this, i'm looking into jobs i can do from home)
Last Monday i went to the doctor, and started a stool culture. fun right? and scheduled other tests that i actually ended up not doing/needing.
Come Wednesday, i call the office to check up on my tests, because Sarah wants some answers, and the first tests i was told of were negative, which is good right? part of me wanted them to find nothing, but part of me thought "well, if they find something like a bacteria or virus, i could just take some medicine and it would all be done," SO of course the next phone call i get was from not a lab tech or a nurse, but from my doctor, telling me they found a parasite in one of my stool cultures, and that this should be the sole reason for my GI distress, and that a round of metronidazole is needed to kill it off, and hopefully after that, everything should go back to normal.
Not just any parasite, Entamoeba histolytica, a anaerobic parasitic protozoan. This fucker is contracted by less than 1% of Americans, and is mainly found in underdeveloped countries.
THIS...THIS is what has been causing all my problems and distress, THIS is why I'm frustrated, depressed, and annoyed, a parasite?
When he first told me i was surprised, and took a bit to soak in, but after reading about it more, i was even more surprised, because i have no idea where i contracted it from, which scares me. I wash my hands every 5 minutes while at work ,i wash my hands before i eat, and always wash my hands after going to the bathroom (for at least 20 seconds, which hardly anyone does), i never eat raw meats or eggs, make sure things are cooked thoroughly, wash fruits and veggies, EXTREMELY cautious of what i put in my body, and I still catch this fucking parasite?

WHERE am i at now? taking the lovely metronidazol (not), trying to relax and stay sane while having similar, somewhat worse, effects of the parasite from the medication. I'm on the cusp of having to call into work AGAIN for the beginning of the week to deal with these side effects. Which is what i want to do, but again, i don't want to have to put out families that should be able to rely on me. We'll see.

Also, as a somewhat fun and weird sidenote, i will also be contacted by the Minnesota department of Health because this parasite is so rare in the United States, they have to try to track where i contracted it from. At this point, i can only think of a restaurant or purchased food item.
Needless to say, i'm kinda pissed. I know people who never wash their hands after they go to the bathroom or before they cook food, i know people who eat raw foods all the time, and people who aren't very conscious, or care, about the potential spreading of germs and bacteria, and of course they are healthy as can be, and I contract this rare, weird, fucker. Its a bit annoying. Not horrible, i have no right to complain since i could be on my deathbed in the Congo, or Sudan, being raped during a war and have this parasite, no reason to complain, but, i am annoyed.

Hopefully soon this will all be behind me, and my diet will return to normal, my body will return to normal, and hopefully, HOPEFULLY i don't have any long term effects from the parasite. I also hope there wasn't anything else wrong, hopefully (being the key word, if you can't catch that) there isn't anything else physically wrong with me.


No Power in the Verse
I am finally getting out of the burbs and into the cities as of August 1st, boo-fucking-yeah!
I'm moving into a duplex with a fantastic girl named Megan (friend of a friend, thank you networking!), to the amazing neighborhood of Seward.
Right off the interstate, close to everything and everyone AND added bonus is Ross and Brittany are moving to the cities too, so I'll get to do things with them often.
I'm 5 minutes away from where i nanny, which is amazing, cause i don't have to wake up at 6 something anymore and drive 20 so minutes, NOW I'm 5 minutes away! (so i get to sleep in til 7, roll out of bed, put on something quick, brush my teeth, get myself food and make myself lunch and I'm on my way, SO excited!) this is a major win in Sarah's category. On the downside I now have a larger hike to the theater, but I'm okay with that job being farther away.

In addition, this move means I'm a 100% pure, certified adult. took me til almost 24, but i did it, i pay all my own bills and my parents don't have to do anything for me anymore, hazzah! This was the last piece of that puzzle, so for me this is a major achievement.

Birthday Friday, signed my lease this week, going bedroom shopping at Ikea, Twins game - so far, this is a major win week. hopefully ending on my birthday will turn it into an epic week, with what we have planned *evil grin*

Watch out Minneapolis, you have a new resident!

Long road ahead
No Power in the Verse
I've been working a total of 3 jobs since fall.
1) Babysitting/nannying for a 2 year old named Hannah, who i have been babysitting for since she was 6 months old, and then as of about a month ago, i started nannying Monday-Thursday for a family with a 3 month old (which, is a lot of fun, but more tiring than i thought it would be, which confirms my choice of never having children)
2) working at Showplace Icon Theater, and having parts of my soul die every time i work, BUT major perk with that job, is it feeds my film addiction, AND
3) freelance film production work, which, i was doing quite a bit of at the end of the summer, fall, but as of late, only getting to do jobs once in awhile, when i have the energy to freelance.

Why am i working all the time, and barely have a life? cause of lovely capitalism, of course! sarah needs money. sarah wants freedom and Independence. which means, sarah needs a lot of money, which sadly, even though i have been working 3 jobs, is barely dribbling in (it seems).
I am crossing my fingers til they bleed that i will be able to move out by summer, and finally, FINALLY have my own apartment and be an adult.
I'm sick of everyone around me being an adult, sarah wants to be an independent, sustainable adult too, even if that means i have to work shit for jobs the rest of my life, and be miserable...
wait, why am i doing it again?

Eternal Sunshine
I realized i haven't touched my LJ account in ages. AGEs!
I blame twitter
it is the same thing i was doing (basically) but now i can only post in 140 characters at a time.

I find that incredibly interesting, yet scary, that one site could impact my habits that much, over a short amount of time. crazy interweb and your new toys!

Biggest thing going on right now that is LJ worthy?
Car repairs, lots of jobs/working, OLYMPICS are fucking awesome, and i am trying to watch as many oscar nominated film as i can get my hands on/watch, ALMOST there, have just a few more.
I'm a freak of nature. A movie freak of nature that needs Film Addicts anonymous, or something, but i'm not just trying to see all 10 best picture noms, but ALL films nominated in every category.
checking my Oscar list one by one, and sadly, this is the biggest accomplishment i have achieved as of late, other than making money and successfully keeping sane with 3 consistent jobs.

the end.

P.S. i am going to make it a goal to post to my LJ every week, for the future me to read on later in my life and go 'um, okay'

Eternal Sunshine
My entire life, i have always had a mental imagery of how my life, and and how my emotions, progresses.
When i close my eyes, or think about my life, and where I am currently at in my life, i always think of it in terms of falling down a hole.
When things are going good, i have a firm grip on the sides, a place to put my feet, and stones to hold onto. I have the ability to bring myself closer to the surface, and although it may be hard, I'm not falling, I'm secure and moving forward.
When things are bad, I'm falling, and no matter how hard i try to grab onto something on the sides of the hole, i can't. I drag my hands all over trying desperately to stop from falling. I'm scared, I feel weightless, feeling like there is no hope and no way out, and constantly getting hurt.
I can't remember the last time I was holding onto the wall.
There were brief moments of security, where I had a handle of something on the wall, but something gave way and i begin to fall again (such as right now).
All i want is support, all i want is someone to help me, grab my arm and pull me up, or find a way to secure myself from falling.
The biggest thing I'm scared of right now, is the moment where I don't want to pull myself up, but let go, and allow myself to fall.

Technology Fast
Rainbow peace sign
I am going on a social website fast.
I'm going to go a week without going on facebook, twitter, OkCupid, etc
I've come to realize i really don't do much on those sites, and i have it in my head that i *need* to check it. . . when i really don't get anything from visiting the sites, other than improving my stalking abilities.

The internet will soon become something I only check for emails, news, and to look things up.  Oh, and of course, since i can't stop all addictions at once, will still use my beautiful netflix account just as much to rate and watch movies instantly.

I've already gone 24 hours, and am quite confident i'll be perfectly fine cutting this out of my life.

let the detachment begin!

Eternal Sunshine
Over the past 5 years, since graduating high school, i have gone though quite a transformation.
In identity, in beliefs and views, and in appearance.

High School, 2004

Summer, 2009

a tad different. in a good way.
I'm still evolving, like most people, but 5 years after high school, although quite a bumpy and turbulent ride, i feel like i'm more in sync with who i'm suppose to be.
many roads still lay ahead, many decisions still need to be made, but i feel that if the universe is gonna give me challenges, i know i can handle them.

so cool
South Park
is it sad that the coolest thing to happen to me this week is Amanda Palmer answering a direct question i asked her on Twitter?
this means we have a forever bond, right? cause yeah, in my head, my fantasies totally seem solidified now.

Question: How many women have you slept with?
Answer (direct from twitter): @Donogrl less than 20. don't ask me how many men. twitter only allows 140 characters.

I need to get more of a life if this is the highlight of my week.
Zoo with mom, close second, Twilight, mmmm, tied for second, both were equally fun.


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